


Semi-Parental Advice

by Selma



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-08
Updated: 2011-02-08
Packaged: 2017-10-15 12:15:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/160756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selma/pseuds/Selma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An awkward conversation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Semi-Parental Advice

Simmons tried not to squirm under Sarge’s stern gaze, “You wanted to talk to me, sir?”

“Simmons, it has come to my attention that you might be in the need of some semi-parental advice.”

The maroon soldier frowned and tried to assess if there was any possible escape from this conversation, “I need what?”

“There comes a time in every man’s life when he feels the urge to settle down. Paint the fence white so to speak.”

“I don’t think I follow you, Sarge.”

“Don’t beat around the bush, soldier! Did you really think I’d never figure out what you and Grif were doing during your ‘patrols’?”

Simmons thought about this and then said: “…Donut told you?”

Sarge seemed momentarily taken back but he quickly regained his senses, “That’s not important! The important thing is that there will be no hanky-panky at the base.”

“Um…” Simmons knew that conversations with Sarge where the word ‘urge’ was used never ended well but this was… this was beginning to get uncomfortable. In so many ways.

On top of that, Sarge seemed to get more and more frustrated with the lack of a proper response.

“For gods’ sake! Grif? Come on, I’m sure you can do better than that. Think about the babies you’ll have.”

“Sarge? I don’t think that’s possible…”

“They’ll be like small gremlin cyborg demons! No offence to you, Simmons. I’m sure you have good latino lineage.”

Simmons desperately banished the images of said gremlin cyborg demons from his mind, “Look, Sarge. I see you’re upset. Grif may be a dumbass-“

“Damn straight he is!”

“-sometimes…and…uh…he’s…we really…the thing is…”, Simmons’ voice faltered, “Okay, Sarge, to be honest with you, I have no idea why I like him.”, he finally concluded feebly.

“Ah this is hopeless! A lost cause. Get out of my sight! Why are you even still standing here?!”, Sarge growled and glared at his right hand man.

“This…this is my room... " Simmons said.

Sarge rushed past Simmons and went off to yell obscenities at the warthog.

Grif glanced at the departing officer from his hiding spot behind the door and then poked his head through the doorway to look at a still puzzled Simmons.

“What was all that about?”, he asked.

Simmons rubbed his temple, “You know what? I think I just got relationship advice from Sarge… sort of.”

Grif nodded like he knew all about it, “I for one think gremlin cyborg demons would be awesome.”

“I could do with some patrolling right now.”, muttered Simmons and retrieved his rifle.

“Yeah, let’s totally go and try making gremlin cyborg demons right now. Think they’ll have superpowers? That’d be cool.”

“Yes…”, Simmons rolled his eyes, “Gremlin cyborg demons with the power to shoot laser beams from their eyes.”

“You really think so?” the orange solider seemed almost too excited at the prospect.

Deadpan as only one who was suffered for many, many years can manage: “Yes. Yes I do.”

“Awesome.”

Simmons sighed, “Idiot,” he said and tried not smile.

They put their helmets one and went out to patrol.


End file.
